The cheap pedicure

Alternate title: The ghettoicure.

Who doesn't love a pedicure? If only they were $5 instead of $30. For this reason, I used to be an expert at giving self pedicures. Then I had a baby, worked too many freelance jobs and no longer had the energy to bend over for long periods of time.

Regular pedicures are not just a want anymore; they're a need.

I decided to treat myself to a pedicure not too long ago. Not wanting to spend much, I opted for one of the local beauty schools. It cost $9.

My first sign this was a bad idea was the set-up. A line of five metal chairs stood in a line on a raised platform, my designated seat in front of a large tubberware bowl filled with soapy water. All part of the pampering, the bowl was to soak my feet.

It looked exactly the barf bucket my mom kept in the garage growing up.

I had roughly a dozen choices of weird-colored nail polish (according to my pedicurist, "Everytime we get new nail polish, the other girls just steal it.") None of which included a top coat, so when I came home, I did that one on my own.

A classy, high-end establishment, right?

Speaking of the pedicurist, she was a story in and of herself. She was a bit older than me, layered in make-up and hairspray, had a daughter with a random man and loved her life of beer drinkin' and partyin'.

Gems from our conversation:

Right before getting out her dull school-issued "tool set": "I always get nervous cutting people's toenails because last time I cut my boyfriends's toenails, they bled!"

Right after telling me "We're so much alike!" (I guess because I knew all the businesses and parks she frequented? We do live in the same neighborhood...)
Her: Are you with your baby's father?
Me: Yeah. We're actually married.
Her: (Shocked look on face) OH, YOU ARE?

Right after asking her about her schooling:
Me: Do you like the other students here?
Her: Well there are so many gay guys! And I never knew a gay guy before, but they are all SOOOO funny and ultra-girly!

And, just when I thought her stereotyping couldn't possibly get any worse, right after explaining the hours she has to acquire:
"We have to have so many credit hours to move on. Nobody likes doing pedicures though. Those are for the Asians."

Clearly, it was a luxurious affair.

My grandpa

Grandpa and Grandma Monson, Jan. 2008

Tonight, I went on a date with my grandpa.

We went to the Heber Cowboy Poetry Gathering (more on that later) to hear western singer Michael Martin Murphey -- a new favorite of mine, an old favorite of my grandpa's.

Oh, what a night. Grandpa wore his real cowboy boots; I sported my Target knock-offs. We whispered highlights to each other between numbers ("That mandolin is amazing," "Don't you get chills from his voice?"). He sang along to songs like Geronimo's Cadillac and was the only one in the venue besides Murphey himself who knew all the lyrics to "Home on the Range." I had long talks with the only grandfather I have known.

Some facts about my grandpa:
- At 16, he ditched his high school graduation to work at a dude ranch in Wyoming for the summer. He is the closest family ties I have to a real cowboy.
- He is tall, dark and handsome. When I was little, I thought he played Rhett Butler from "Gone With the Wind."
- The highlight of turning 80 last year was skiing for free at Alta.
- He is full of stories - and they all have a moral. (Our drive up - avoiding adult peer pressure; drive down - making a mark on the world as a women.)
- My grandpa is one of the only men I know that has had season tickets to the New York Met Opera and season tickets to BYU football -- and enjoys both equally.
- Women have never had a defined job in his eyes. He cooks and cleans just as much if not more than my grandma.
- He is the epitome of a true gentleman.
- Raised his family in New Jersey while he worked at a New York ad agency (I think of him every time I watch "Mad Men.")
- Makes friends wherever he goes.
- Never passes up an opportunity to serve and give to others.

Lately (for the past 13 months, to be exact), I've been having a hard time with mom life. Of course I love my darling Peanut and could not imagine life without her. I delight in her daily growth, frequent baby kisses and bubbling personality. But, to be completely honest, I don't feel fulfilled by the job. I find it boring, repetitive and lonely.

I admitted this to my grandpa. His reply:

"Amelia, the most important thing for a child is to be loved. You can tell when a child is loved," he told me on the descent through Parley's Canyon. "And that child? It is obvious she is loved."

I love my grandpa.

The e-mail forward

I am still amazed at the power of an e-mail forward. I'm not talking about the ones actually worth your reading; I'm talking about the stupid ones.

These usually end in some sort of threat ("FoRWaRd tHIs tO oNlY 5 pEOpLE & Ur crush wIlL HatE u :(") Or an empty promise ("Send this to 25 people and a voucher for a $25 Applebee's gift card will appear on your!!!")

It's so 1995.

How you know this is a stupid e-mail forward:

- The subject reads "Delete if we aren't friends" or the end commands "Forward this on to 10 people, including the person who sent it to you." Why would the person who already read it want it back?

- Anything rewritten. Bible verse, nursery rhyme, rap song, fables.

- Share a story or poem about Jesus and make you feel guilty for not passing it on by quoting some fake statistic, "Did you know 90% of people will pass on a joke, but only 8% will pass on a message about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

- SUPER HILARIOUS little quips making fun of women. Ex: "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." HAHAHAHA I'm laughing so hard.

- EQUALLY HILARIOUS little quips making fun of men. Ex: "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."

- Stories wirh morals praising the senior citizens. "Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!"

- Clip art is involved. Often images that are blinking or glittering.

- The "unbelievable" pictures or "true story" has been photoshopped or can be refuted by a simple Google search or snopes.com investigation.

- The font size is set at 48+, some cutesy font and a color other than black.

- A "HUGE VIRUS WARNING!!!" for a computer virus that is 5 years old.

- They sound like they've been written by a 65-year-old woman, who crocheted this on a pillow 5 years ago and now wants to grace the world with her hilarity. Ex: "Save the earth...it's the only planet with Chocolate!!!"

- A subject line of "Did this work?" with a promise of "Send this to 100 people and something really cool will pop up on your computer screen!"

- The forwarded petition. Calling for some television show to be banned, asking (insert politician here) to resign or a promise of "If we get 10,000 signatures by Friday, the Red Cross will send first-aid kits to (insert developing third world country here)!!!" this is a clearly legal and enforceable piece of material that should be taken with all seriousness.

Any signs I'm missing?

(Can you tell I've been put on some forward list I can't politely get off of?)

The Great Pumpkin Obsession

It stars with a look.



...a touch.



And then: TRUE LOVE.



**The Great Pumpkin Obsession of '09 continues.

Fallish things

One of the many wonderful things about living in Utah is the change of seasons. A lot of people joke you only get two seasons in the state - boiling hot summers and freezing cold winters. Not true. You just have to know when and where to experience fall and spring at their peak.

And now, a photo recap of the season that has come and gone.

We like to kick-off fall with a drive over Guardsman Pass. This is the road through Big Cottonwood Canyon in the Salt Lake Valley into Wasatch State Park in Midway/Heber.

These are some of my favorite photos of the day - and the first one is a contender for favorite photo of all time.





I got lost in the woods taking the above. I may still be there now if it wasn't for a loud car passing by that finally alerted me to the direction of the road.







Next fallish thing, we went to a historic grove in Wasatch County to pick apples.





...and so my brothers won't say "If you're such a feminist, why do you make GJ do all the work?"



We ran into a few terrifying, emaciated deer.



Still teethless, Peanut REALLY wanted to eat the apples. I resorted to biting off a big chunk and letting her suck the juice.





So content was she with this task that we couldn't take a family picture where she actually looked at anything but the apple.



(Tri-pod and timer photo here folks. I'M THAT GOOD.)

We made applesauce with the goods. So good is that applesauce that Peanut sucked if off her highchair when we fed it to her.



Wrapping up fall, we went to our favorite pumpkin patch - South Ridge Farms in Santaquin, Utah. GJ and I have been going here since our college days.

We went on a hayride to a pumpkin patch with Uncle "Tent" - yes, she says it. Siblings - you have some 1-year-old sucking up to do.











Here is where Peanut's creepycute obsession with pumpkins began.









GJ takes the pumpkin-picking business rather seriously.



This is Peanut's new favorite facial expression - she puffs out her lips, scrunches her nose and does a snort thing until one of us does it back to her.



We ended the day with apple cider slushies - and a soda fail.

The story of the ghetto Halloween costume

I'm all about doing themed family Halloween costumes. GJ hates this. Hence last year, Peanut and I were the pea and the farmer and GJ was...the lame dad who hates dressing up. I've convinced him to go as Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash in the past as well as Dwight and Angela from "The Office." That's because those are people he LOVES. So I knew if I wanted to convince him this year, we'd have to go as something he loves.

My first idea was to go as Mario, Princess Peach and something small and cute for Peanut (the 1-up mushroom, star, Toad).

I would not recommend going through too many pages in a Google image search of "Princess Peach costumes" because you will come upon a gross amount of obscene anime porn.

For this same reason, I would also not recommend Googling something you think is completely innocent when making your costumes, like "Mario and Luigi" or "Does Toad wear a shirt under his blue vest?" (Learned: there's a surprising amount of gay fan art around Mario and Luigi and Toad does not in fact where a shirt under his blue vest...which proved to be a small problem when a baby girl would be wearing said Toad costume).

SO. This basically meant I found nothing that would work for any of us and I would have to sew all Mario-themed costumes. Of course, Halloween snuck up on me and, by the time a Stowell Halloween party rolled around last week, we had nothing.

I pitched:
Betty and Don Draper and baby Gene from "Mad Men" (GJ: Would that be one of those "Who are you costumes?")
Alice, Mad Hatter and rabbit from Alice in Wonderland (GJ: Too trendy with new Johnny Depp movie.)
Obama, Switzerland and the Nobel Peace Price (GJ: ...just NO.)

At this point, I was TICKED GJ was throwing out all my ideas, not pitching any of his own and we needed something last-minute.

Then GJ came up with something completely ghetto yet totally genius.

I now present, Happy Halloween from:







The contestants - and big red ball - from "Wipeout"
or
Dodgeball players
or
Kickball players
or
The abusive parents who dress their children up as a ball, then joke they're going to throw her at each other

...it worked. We cut up a red ball to put Peanut in and just got sweat bands for ourselves. Peanut actually won "Funniest kid costume" at a friend's party.

The best part of this costume was our constantly moving/screaming/squirming kid would completely freeze up and zone out every time we put this costume on her. It was like she took this "I'm a ball" bit a little too seriously.

I'm totally keeping the costume around to put on her when she's driving me mad.

*BARELY squeakin by for the first day of NaBloPoMo. Folks: remember, help me out and ask me a question here.

NaBloPoMo* starts in ONE DAY

And folks? I need stuff to blog about. Sure, I've got a few things lined-up, but if I'm going to commit to blogging everyday, I need your help.

So I'm going the lazy blogger route: Ask me questions. ANYTHING.

I need at least one post out of these, so you better ask before I resort to commenting anonymously on my own blog with things like "Why are you so cool Amelia?"

Either comment or e-mail ameliorateme(at)gmail(dot)com.

*NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month which is in November.