By now, you have undoubtedly read the news of the amount of baby bumps at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts. In summary: there are 17 pregnant girls at the 1,200-student school. Girlfriends that got pregnant on purpose so they could all have their babies together. Check out the Time article. Here's a fun little gem:
"By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, "some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," (Principal Joseph) Sullivan says. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Then the story got worse. "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," the principal says, shaking his head."
I have so many questions for these girls. I want to know who taught them about parenthood, who taught them about pregnancy and, um, who taught them having sex with a bum was even mildly acceptable?
(Clearly, the article raises some scary points - like the fact that this school has a free, on-site daycare for the babies of high school moms, but the townies are pissed the school nurse wanted to install a method for giving out birth control...)
It's stories like this that make me want to be a sex-ed teacher to set girls straight on their naive thoughts about pregnancy, about babies. Sadly, I imagine such a conversation with the 17 knocked-up underage females would go like this:
Mrs. Stowell: Now girls, I want to spend today talking a bit about pregnancy. Did everyone read the assigned chapter out of "What to Expect When You're a High School Student Expecting?" and "A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy at 15?" Anyone?
Girl 2: I've been too busy buying baby clothes to do schoolwork.
Girl 9: Sorry, I had to take another nap. Pregnant women are supposed to sleep a lot, right?
Girl 15: Mrs. Stowell, you apparently aren't aware of Gloucester High's strictly-enforced policy that all mothers and expecting mothers are not to be assigned homework.
Mrs. Stowell: ...oh. Well, whether or not you label it as homework, these books will teach you a lot of tips and warnings about pregnancy that will help you out.
Girl 6: Like what warnings?
Mrs. Stowell: (In best teacher voice) Like you really need to monitor just what kind of things you put in - and on - your bodies. Drugs, alcohol, unpasteurized milk, Mercury-heavy seafood - don't ingest them. Cut out most hair dyes, hair-removing lotions, acne creams...even self tanners haven't been approved for pregnant women. Keep your mouth clean, gum disease can cause you to deliver prematurely, keep away from cat litter and pesticides and none of you should even think about getting on the roller coasters at the Annual Gloucester Fisherman's Wharf Fair.
Girl 5: What if you had sex where cat litter was on the floor?
Mrs. Stowell: ...you were totally the girl that had sex with the homeless dude, weren't you?
Girl 5: (no response)
Mrs. Stowell: Moving on. Ladies, pregnancy is going to get a lot harder from here on out.
Girl 6: Well, like, you haven't seen Jamie-Lynn Spears. She is SOOOO CUTE! And SOOOO COOL! And she just had a baby!
Girl 2: You mean it's not as funny as it was in "Juno"?
Mrs. Stowell: Absolutely not. You thought puberty was weird, your body goes through even more changes during pregnancy.
Girl 3: Like what?
Mrs. Stowell: Well, I've pooed three times today and it's not even noon.
Girl 14: EWWWWW!!!
Girl 11: You're gross!
Girl 15: That's disgusting.
Mrs. Stowell: What did you want me to tell you? That pregnancy is full of baby showers and lots of attention and you will all be the exception to every pregnancy and be the cutest, most active, stretch-mark free, lowest weight-gaining expectant girls out there?
Girls (in unison): YES!!!
Mrs. Stowell: Wow. Clearly, you all have some gross misaccuracies in your perception on pregnancy and you're not going to listen to The Facts. Uh...let's talk about the fathers. Where are they in this picture?
Girl 7: Track practice! He's such a hardworker.
Girl 5: Passed out on the corner of 3rd and Main.
Girl 10: Oh, mine doesn't know yet. I'll tell him 3rd period.
Mrs. Stowell: You realize your baby daddy will most likely dump you the second you start showing or when he sees you all actually PLANNED this through your Facebook group "The Gloucester High Babies Cool Club"?
Girl 4: Well, that's not how it ended in "Knocked Up." Yeah, they like got in fights, but ended up happy in the end!
Mrs. Stowell: And that was a FICTIONAL movie.
Girl 12: With shout-outs to real life!
Mrs. Stowell: Alright, I'm done. There's no getting through to you. I'd ask where your parents have been through all of this, but I'm almost scared to find out the answer. Somewhere along the line, the Gloucester County Public School system has failed to teach you that vaginal ripping, hemorrhoids, herniated navels, water retention and skin tags don't matter in the all-important goal to doll-up your baby, snap cell phone pictures and plaster them all over your MySpace page under the folder "mY $iLlY bIlLy B@bY cUtIe Be@R!!!!!!"
Girl 2: Wait...you mean we'll have to SHARE a MySpace page with our baby?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Q&A with the Stupid Seventeen of Gloucester High
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Principal: Mrs. Stowell, I've created a directive for all teachers of post-puberty students. All students will be required to watch "The Baby Borrowers" a new show on NBC. I learned about this show while reading the much-acclaimed Deseret News' Scott D. Pierce.
Thank you for your efforts to get through to these hos. I mean girls.
Laughing so hard! This whole thing is SICK! I don't even know where to start. What kind of a world are we creating for our children that they need attention THAT badly, and want to emulate pregnant teenage celebrities/movies THAT badly. We can blame the school, the parents, the media, but HONESTLY...regardless of who's to blame these girls are seriously messed up. It's not fair to the babies and I wish that each one of these girls would be forced to find a good adoptive home for these children. Who cares if it's hard for them to do that, it will be SO much more difficult for the children they bring into this world. The least they could do is try to make life a little easier on the poor children they are bringing into a very messed up world!
Wait, you pooed three times before noon??!! Wow, that's quite the accomplishment. Your sex ed mini-class has already taught me so much about pregnancy, I'm a changed preggo lady. I think I might even read a book about it now instead of just watching the teen pregnancy comedies and dramas to get my tips.
man how did you score that interview! :)
This is awesome. I think my favorite quote of yours was the one with Jamie-Lynn Spears. Too good!
Haha. I've read a couple of places that there was no pact..but 17 girls at a time? That is one skanky school.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/pregnancy_pact
I just read your post, Melissa sent me the link. I posted about it on Sunday. Pretty shocking and sad. Did you hear the reports are now saying there was no pact? Ummm...right. I bet the high fives and baby shower plans along with long lines of girls getting tested was pure coincidence.
OK, I ALREADHY have two kids and you've changed my mind with the use of the phrase, 'vaginal ripping.' And apparently I also can't spell the word, "already."
I won't have you bashing Juno! ;-)
You'd have had me with "There will be no sleeping in, EVER, from this point forward...even SATURDAYS!"
BTW, Juno SUCKS- is that a pregnancy Napoleon failure or what?!
Let's bring back mandatory sterilization for girls like that and forced adoptions. Better yet- let's send them to nunnery's to have their babies- why do these parents permit it in their homes?! THere go more of MY tax $'s I could spend on my own two-parent child's home!
That IS one skanky school!
You'd have had me with "There will be no sleeping in, EVER, from this point forward...even SATURDAYS!"
BTW, Juno SUCKS- is that a pregnancy Napoleon failure or what?!
Let's bring back mandatory sterilization for girls like that and forced adoptions. Better yet- let's send them to nunnery's to have their babies- why do these parents permit it in their homes?! THere go more of MY tax $'s I could spend on my own two-parent child's home!
That IS one skanky school!
this is completely priceless. i hadn't heard about it until now, and boy oh boy am i glad i did. if my kid sister ever does something like that...
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